You are still you
by valk1
Summary: Post 2x16. Lexa gets an earful from a heartbroken Clarke.


A/N: Just a little one-shot. I normally don't do Clexa fics because I have issues capturing Lexa's voice but this was a request from someone as annoyed at 2x15 as I was...

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I woke to the sound of rain pattering against the walls of the drop ship. I was curled up on the second floor in one of the bright orange blankets from the underground depot. After a few days wandering aimlessly through the forest, I'd grudgingly returned to the site of our first camp. It was the place I knew best and still held quite a few of our old supplies. I knew Bellamy would know better than to follow me here, that he would convince my mother to leave me be.

I'd been grateful to find some of Monty's leftover hooch hidden in a storage crate. It took the edge off my immobilizing guilt, the weight of having killed hundreds of innocent Mount Weather residents to save my own people. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I reached for the bottle and took a long gulp, eager to numb myself for as long as I possibly could. Then I noticed a small package lying next to me; it looked like one of the Grounders' food rations. A familiar-looking canteen sat next to it and my stomach fell when I realized whose it was. My eyes darted around the room before I saw her.

Lexa.

She was hunched on the floor, war paint still spread under her eyes. She was unarmed: her weapons and armour lay in a pile near the entrance. There was something different about her. She had always carried herself with confidence, even in private, but now she looked utterly deflated. I probably looked worse. I had barely eaten in days, busy as I was wallowing in the images of my victims. I could still see poor Maya's blistered corpse whenever I closed my eyes and I probably would forever. And here, sitting in across from me, was someone I could blame for that. Someone I could hate as much as I hated myself for pulling that lever and killing them all.

"What are you doing here, Commander?" I growled.

"Do not call me by my title," she told me quietly. "We are familiar."

"You betrayed me; there is _nothing_ familiar about us," I hissed. She winced a little, but said nothing.

"Did you come to twist the knife? Figured you hadn't done enough damage already? What the fuck are you doing here? You got what you wanted, you fooled me-"

"Clarke-" she pleaded sadly, her voice barely above a whisper.

I was too angry to hear whatever she had to say. "You know, I knew your methods were harsh but I still," my voice cracked a little, "I still thought you were honorable enough to be truthful about your intentions. I was such a fool not to see that you were playing me the whole time."

"Clarke-" she pleaded again.

Ignoring her, I stood and began pacing.

"And I understand why you used the alliance to get your people out of Mount Weather, even if you never meant to help me save mine. What I don't understand is why... you tricked me into developing feelings for you. That was beyond cruel. I guess I should have known from the beginning that you don't care about anyone but your own kind and you'd do anything to save them." I stared down at the floor, unable to meet her gaze as my tears began to flow.

Lexa sighed.

"I did not care about anyone but my own kind until I met you," she finally said.

I looked up; our eyes locked. She seemed as surprised by her words as I was. Her face was impassive as ever but tears had streamed through the war paint under her eyes and several charcoal lines trailed down to her chin. She looked beautiful, even like this.

"If you care about me you certainly have an odd way of showing it," I seethed, clinging to my anger, "abandoning me when I needed you, leaving me no choice but to save my people by committing a massacre. With your army we could easily have overpowered their guards. But we were outnumbered, so I was forced to poison the whole facility with radiation. There were kids in there, and people who helped us..."

"I am truly sorry that you had to do that." Lexa sighed. "Being in charge means making impossible choice after impossible choice."

"So says the commander who took the easy way out."

She bowed her head. "There is _no_ easy way out, Clarke. Not ever. I made no fool of you. All along, I planned to honor the terms of our alliance. But you must remember that the men of the mountain have been winning victories over my people for generations. We are strong but their weaponry has always been stronger. When we arrived at their door nothing went according to plan, as if history were bound to repeat itself. And then one of their generals came to me, and I was given the choice of making a truce and retreating with my captives, or seeing them drop a missile on all of us. So I chose to abandon you rather than let us all die. rather than let _you_ die. In this world we have no right and wrong, only the lesser of two evils."

"If that's true then why didn't you say anything?" I demanded.

"My silence was part of the deal. They gave me five minutes to decide. You may not believe me but it broke my heart to walk away from you."

I opened my mouth to shoot back another retort but nothing came to me.

Lexa rose from the floor and cautiously approached me.

"If you had not poisoned them, you and your people would be dead. I am sorry for the loss of life, but it was their leader who killed them by giving you no other choice."

_You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive._ She was right. I had judged her for decisions thrust upon her by this cruel reality, only to learn that I was no different.

"You'll think I'm weak for saying this, but I don't know how to live with what I did. I can't stop picturing all those bodies..."

"I do not think you weak, Clarke of the Sky People," Lexa assured me, her voice beginning to quaver. "You feel remorse because you are still _you_, even after what you did."

I finally surrendered and closed the distance between us, burying my face in her shoulder as my body shook with sobs. She drew me into a warm embrace and ran her fingers through my hair, her touch more tender than I would ever have imagined.

"The battle is over now," she whispered. "Let me help you grieve the cost of your victory."

I sighed and held her tighter.


End file.
